I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Acid is not a monday night drug
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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