Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
