my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
