so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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