I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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