don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
