Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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