I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
