im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
