Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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