It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
sarcasm needs its own font
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
