Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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