i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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