chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
