I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize