Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
