Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
