god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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