...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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