peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
