It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
