do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
