totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
