Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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