we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize