Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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