there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
