Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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