Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
