Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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