Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So many bounce houses so little time
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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