so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
