Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
