So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
