I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize