THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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