I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
