Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize