but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
