foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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