It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
