shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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