If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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