My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
