theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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