omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
