I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
