Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
