So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
