i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
