my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
