i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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