you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
