I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
