did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
