Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
