just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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