she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
