Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
