Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
