Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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