Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
