did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
